Religious parking lot layouts

Peddling stereotypes is intellectually irresponsible, usually offensive, and occasionally funny.  Along those lines, here is a list of parking lot layouts for various religious groups, in no particular order:  (N.B. outside of America, “parking lot” is usually pronounced “car park.”)

  • Liberal Protestant parking lots have only entrances, and people are encouraged to determine their individual relationships to the lines.
  • Fundamentalist parking lots have one narrow entrance and are “One Way” all the way through.
  • Evangelical parking lots are almost half taken up by “Visitor Parking.”
  • Conservative Catholic parking lots are precisely laid out, and have a parking attendant who insists that no one cannot interpret what the lines mean without being told.
  • Liberal Catholic parking lots are precisely laid out, have a parking attendant to tell them what the lines mean, and everyone ignores both him and the lines.
  • Anglo-Catholic parking lots are laid out just like Catholic ones, but without the parking attendant.
  • There is only one Eastern Orthodox parking lot, which is painted over with different colors of competing parking layouts, and each person knows which color to follow individually.
  • Pentecostal parking lots have brushes and buckets of paint for each person to add lines in whatever color the Spirit reveals.
  • Baptist parking lots resemble other Protestant parking lots, but have minimum age requirements for entry.
  • Amish stables have everything your horse might need, and room for your buggy as well.

Of course, Christians aren’t the only ones with parking lots:

  • Sunni Muslim parking lots orient all parking spaces toward Mecca.
  • Shiite Muslim parking lots look just like Sunni parking lots, but are secretly different.
  • Jewish parking lots have no exits or entrances, and are laid out very differently in one corner than in another.
  • Atheist parking lots are just ordinary patches of dirt with no markings for exits, entrances, lanes, or parking spots.
  • Agnostic parking lots are just like atheist parking lots but with a large welcome sign.
  • Hindu parking lots fit 330 million cars, trucks, tuk-tuks, camels, elephants, bicycles, and other vehicles into a single city block.
  • Jain parking lots are entirely enclosed to prevent living beings from being driven over.
  • Buddhist parking lots do not really exist; they only appear to.
  • Confucian parking lots reserve the best spaces for the oldest cars, especially cars that no longer run.
  • Bahá’ís claim that all parking lots are Bahá’í parking lots.

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